by Jack Stellar, Hydraulic lift salesman

It’s OK. Don’t flatter yourself. Almost every girl can resist. You certainly would not be the first lady to not hit on me, and you certainly wouldn’t be the last.

It’s hard to say what it is about me, you know. It could be the way I make girls so uncomfortable they feel completely unsafe telling me anything about themselves. Perhaps it’s how I’m so disrespectful towards women that makes them flock away from me.

The truth is that I may never know, but what I do know is I get less play than an eight-year-old double amputee at the end of a Little League bench. How many dudes can say that?

In fact, I’m so accustomed to having women not come up to me and start conversations, I’ve become an expert at handling those situations. You should see the way I smoothly stare at women, knowing my creepy eyes will get each of them to never look at me again, much less speak to me. Or the way never buy a woman a drink. I tell you my tricks are endless!

I even remember one instance when I thought some girl was going to hit on me. But clever as I am, I kicked it into high gear and subtly threw coasters at her until, before she even realized, she was nestled fully in my snare, ensured to not approach me then or ever.

And I don’t want to make it sound that easy for me. Sure, it is now. But this talent, this gift, was born from years and years of perfecting my total lack of appeal through tireless training. Why, when I first began attempting to keep women from hitting on me, I wasn’t successful always. Sometimes, I would even end up engaged in horrific meaningful and pleasant discussions.

I KNOW! It was terrible.

But you have to work hard at a skill so honed as what I now possess. I didn’t get women to not come on to me overnight. Rome wasn’t not built in a day. Put in the work and one day you’ll have women not hanging all over you, which is just so Stellar, and I respect that.