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April 26, 2007 | Issue 4-22

CORINTH, NY--A high school principal in upstate New York located and confiscated weapons of math instruction on Wednesday. Reacting to tips from parents, Principal Jeorge Scalar of Thompkings High confronted two teachers who had been promoting the fundamental principles of al-Gebra in classrooms. On Wednesday, the District 387 school board gave the go-ahead for sanctioned searches of math classrooms. Principal Scalar removed at least 27 weapons of math instruction and turned them over to school board officials.

Leading the investigation is school board agent Phil Origin, who said he has been involved in a geometric series of transformations with al-Gebra in the past and hypothesizes that this is another one of their power functions. However, agent Origin admitted this will be a difficult problem to solve with so many independent variables.

Speaking off the record, Scalar said all of the students who have taken the class will be interviewed and put under surveillance until it is clear to what extent each has embraced the principles of al-Gebra.

In response, student council president Polly Nomial, a proponent of al-Gebra, declared the allegations exaggerated for political gain and “nothing but hyperbola.” The student council has started a defense fund to pay for the students’ exponential legal fees and is planning a bake sale next week. Members hope to sell an irrational number of Pascal’s triangle-shaped cookies to raise enough money.

Among the confiscated weapons of mass instruction are rods of high purity, multi-colored calcium sulfate, neatly packaged in boxes labeled “chalk”; semi-circular clear plastic devices counting up to the al-Gebra holy number of 180; and sophisticated handheld electronic devices capable of graphing exponential functions from remote locations.

Agent Origin said he will investigate rumors that younger students have been exposed to pre-al-Gebra training before even reaching high school. A mathematically challenged music teacher told The Giant Napkin that she has regularly seen some elementary and middle school teachers with weapons capable of math instruction. 

At a press conference Wednesday afternoon, President Bush was confronted by this developing complex crisis. “I will not tolerate such activity on our very own soil,” said the president. “It must be stopped now, before it turns into a step function. I will be calling up the army reserves to search all schools until weapons of math instruction are found and destroyed. Imagine the consequences if we do not stop this now. Future generations would have the ability to understand how much debt our fine country is really in. It would subtract the cosine of the heart of the American identity matrix."