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THE WEEKLY
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Jessica Simpson kills 8 with large, hideous body
February 24, 2009 | Issue 6-5
LOS ANGELES—Once-attractive singer Jessica Simpson killed eight bystanders
Tuesday with her awkwardly corpulent and unfathomably repulsive body. As the
formerly thin and likeable Simpson passed through a hotel lobby, her bulbous
figure pinned unfortunate passersby against the usually adequately-distanced
walls, causing the deaths of eight and injuring 14 others. Family members of
victims are saying this tragedy would have been avoidable if only Ms. Simpson
would stop appearing anywhere in public. It is unknown at this time where the
rotund, unattractive singer was going at the time of the incident, but
preliminarily reports suggest it should have been to the gym.
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