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Girlfriend better at bowling

Addition of fried Twinkie stand to county fair delights western Iowa

Homeless man's problems apparently rectifiable with 25 cents

[Sports] Detroit rookie mistakenly reports to lion-training camp

Word on the Street

07/03/2008 Go to this issue

Decreased barrel production sends oil prices skyrocketing

Best Buy bullies to make Geek Squad work July 4th

[Radio] Drew Carey unknowingly consumes four Plinko chips for breakfast

[Sports] Man adorned in white strikes yellow sphere with racquet of strings

[Sports] Lost Bill Buckner footage to be erred

06/26/2008 Go to this issue

Suspect named in shooting of The Love Guru

New study on self-doubt undermines own findings

All-Star voters split over Ramirez, Tejada views on base running

Those madcap Zimbabwean loyalists will amputate just about anything to steal a headline

06/04/2008 Go to this issue

Mother charged in area teen's life

Trip to Six Flags happiest moment in factory worker's life

Loss of legs poses no immediate impact to local man's lifestyle

[Radio] New video shows Kobe Bryant leaping over pool of rape allegations

[Sports] Detroit riots following Red Wings championship unrelated to hockey

05/27/2008 Go to this issue

'This won't hurt a bit,' claim nation's mean, lying nurses

Lubbock, TX replaced by Wal-Mart Supercenter

Cancer patient unnecessarily purchases large bottle of detergent

[Sports] Sidney Crosby tells dad on Red Wings defenseman

[Opinion] Maybe it's just me, but I could watch Will Ferrell movies all day

05/07/2008 Go to this issue

Studies link obesity, faceless photos

Beer with voters reveals Americans' concern over expensive hot wings

Five hours of DVD bonus features drunkenly explored

[Sports] Cedric Benson unable to fight through initial police contact

[Radio] Town cop through playing games

04/29/2008 Go to this week's issue

County fair placed atop Tarot threat list

School shooter inadvertently starts 400 meter relay

Half of items in woman's home traced back to Cracker Barrel gift shop

'Must be nice,' supposes poorer man

[Radio] Search for weird smell enters second day

04/15/2008 Go to this week's issue

27-year-old man found wed in suburbs

Driving text-messager causes 15-letter pileup

San Francisco protests interrupted by Olympic torch relay

[Radio] Aspiring comedian announces intentions to write that down

04/08/2008 Go to this week's issue

Area man holds inner happiness, neighbors hostage

Mother incorrectly assimilates 'Google' into everyday speech

Neighbor honest-to-God knows this guy who made millions that way

[Sports] Tyler Hansbrough grabs 12 loose balls in championship game

[Radio] African tribesman only reads National Geographic for articles

[Opinion] Look, Brad. Lindsey's just not into you anymore.

04/01/2008 Go to this week's issue

12-second Wi-Fi interruption elicits silent rebuke from Starbucks patron

'April Fools,' exclaims local man after everything he said today

Inexperienced church actor mistakenly crucifies Pontias Pilate

[Radio] Regional sales rep has plenty more notepads if you need any

[Sports] Baseball rescues nation from excitement of NCAA Tournament

03/20/2008 Go to this week's issue

Investigation exposes numerous CIA coffee leaks

Transcendental hygienist urges patients to shift flossing paradigm

Corn to be planted in that there field a fair piece over yonder

[Radio] Poetry reading audience comprised entirely of family members

[Sports] Drew Neitzel: Is he the best point guard under the age of 12?

[Opinion] These superdelegates need to understand just how super Barack Obama is

03/06/2008 Go to this week's issue

Taco Bell to open new location inside former Taco Bell

Eighth-grade scientist successfully isolates self from classmates

Suicide researchers wonder if it's even worth going ahead with more studies

[Radio] Public fountain desecrated again

[Sports] Favre retirement speech intercepted by Giants safety

[Opinoin] The problem with win-win compromise is identifying the losers

02/28/2008 Go to this week's issue

Andy Rooney inadvertently launches own fragrance

Adorable Ford still making cars

Missing remote poses imminent threat of Tyler Perry's House of Payne

[Radio] Funny thing just said totally going on quote board

[Sports] Kobe Bryant works to revitalize New Orleans photo opportunity

02/21/2008 Go to this week's issue

Victims' bodies to go undiscovered until spring

Amtrak boosts security for safety of those two guys on way to St. Louis

Acronyms give greater credibility, reports FFLS

[Sports] Source: Kelvin Sampson made 577 resignation calls to IU president

[Opinion] This isn't the first time I've had to berate another Blackjack player

02/14/2008 Go to this week's issue

BlackBerry outage renders millions less annoying

Friends to definitely get here any time now

Pastry shop explosion leaves six city blocks delicious

[SPORTS] Conversation with mascot getting a little awkward at four-minute mark

02/07/2008 Go to this week's issue

Midwest snowstorm dumps inches more relevance over East Coast

Manga enthusiast wishes Manga section was still in back corner

Voter had no idea he would have to vote for so much crap

[SPORTS] New York City pretty unprepared for Giants victory parade

[RADIO] Gilmore Girls box set hidden in doorbell-induced panic

01/31/2008 Go to this week's issue
Roller rink still out there by Route 19

Studio apartment drastically over-insured

Man's pre-urination fart mysteriously absent today

[SPORTS] NBA adds gun wielding contest to All-Star weekend

[RADIO] Appliance store might as well be giving this stuff away

[OPINION] Happy employees are just too hard to scare by Dawson Radcliffe

01/24/2008 Go to this week's issue

MLK Day celebrated with additional four hours of dreams

Internet privacy concerns rising, finds secret online spyware study

Shared fork surreptitiously wiped clean

[SPORTS] LaDainian Tomlinson prepared for third straight playoff viewing

[RADIO] Empty tic-tac container inexplicably filled with water

01/17/2008 Go to this week's issue

Soup kitchen volunteer orders soup as transition into soup kitchen volunteer conversation

Homeless guys can't believe somebody threw this stuff away

Goofy sidekick's plan just might be crazy enough to work

[SPORTS] Cubs acquire pitcher Jon Lieber to bolster '08 disabled list

[RADIO] Pretty man dons warm, cozy scarf

01/10/2008 Go to this week's issue

Suspected terror attack again just medical transport helicopter

Drunk friend reveals desire to locate Denny's after this

'Big deal,' counter nation's 10-year-olds

[SPORTS] Patriots not looking past whomever they're going to beat this week

[OPINION] Barack Obama is, like, way more about change than the other candidates 

01/03/2008 Go to this week's issue

One of 234 lives claimed by Vietnam plane crash tragically American

Many U.S. soldiers in Iraq suffer from current-traumatic stress after not returning home

Sermon on sinful indulgences gives most congregants New Year's plans

Some dumb thing in Kenya bumps adorable hamster story from evening news

12/20-27/2007 - YEAR IN REVIEW - Top stories of 2007

#5 - Grandson to truly appreciate savings bond one day

#4 - Fourth grade math genius calculates high probability of getting beat up

#3 - Officials say Hurricane Humberto entered U.S. illegally

#2 - Lottery winner chooses $25 a year for 2 million years

#1 - Tragically disabled student voted 'Most Changed'

12/13/2007 Go to this week's issue

Trip to Wendy's classified as productive

News anchor can hardly get through wacky double homicide story without laughing

Area man has no idea when last SportsCenter ended and new SportsCenter began

Being a rich athlete will never lessen my passion for misusing firearms by Jamaal Tinsley

Eighteen-minute treadmill session ought to do it

12/06/2007 Go to this week's issue

People magazine names William H. Macy 'sexiest attainable man alive'

$5,000 a plate dinner held to benefit disadvantaged egos

Careless hackers accidentally further encrypt credit card data

Tom Brady remains perfect with last-minute pass through hair

11/29/2007 Go to this week's issue

Grandson to truly appreciate savings bond one day

Dropping T-bill rates indicate no one knows what T-bills are

Woman unable to locate 'dignity' in word search

College football's BCS to ruin Woody Paige's life

11/15/2007 Go to this week's issue

Opting out of contract gives A-Rod chance to play for Yankees

Brash, young cop always clashing with less brash, older cops

Exxon apologizes for San Francisco Bay oil spill

Enraged driver would like to see you try that again

11/08/2007 Go to this week's issue

Special Senate vote scheduled to determine who gets last fudge bar

Facebook excitement surges amid reports weekend is almost here

Shuttle lands safely after harrowing pretend trip to space

Crayola-sponsored terror threat level elevated to Mango Tango

Opinion: I'm totally wearing sunglasses where one normally would not be wearing sunglasses

11/01/2007 Go to this week's issue

Fat kid could win dodgeball game if he wanted to

Chuck E. Cheese manager feverishly restates ball pit rules

Actual Steak N' Shake cook nothing like ones in ads

Sports: NASCAR fans stare blankly as team finances discussed

Opinion: Maybe I'm crazy, but are you not coming on to me?

10/18/2007 Go to this week's issue

School custodian can relate any major life event to vomit story

Insatiable Al Gore immediately devours Nobel Prize

Nation's arenas sick of NHL leaving all that ice lying around

Defiant kindergartener shreds Flat Stanley

10/04/2007 Go to this week's issue

Textile company to convert unsightly chic lofts into charming run-down factory

Bush vetoes child health care plan, says kids could just try not to get sick

Sports: Tony Dungy begs QB Manning to let him coach next game

Local man nicknamed 'Stumpy' for no clear reason

09/27/2007 Go to this week's issue

50 Cent claims he meant he would outsell folk singer Conway West with new album

Hilarious Cleveland Indians claim to have best record in baseball

Two fans complete quest to visit every MLB steroids supplier

Remorseful O.J. says he deeply regrets not murdering those guys

09/20/2007 Go to this week's issue

Researchers identify gene that leads to gene research

Hillary Clinton details plan to give every American affordable pantsuits

Officials say Hurricane Humberto entered U.S. illegally

Subway sandwich artist adds extra mustard with extra resentment

09/06/2007 Go to this week's issue

Clown's helium-induced death hilariously high-pitched

Thousands march on capitol for creation of Illegal Labor Day

Sports: Kansas City officials begin plans for Royals' fourth place parade

Victorious fairgoer yet to make plans for goldfish prize

Opinion: How many more must die before society stays off my lawn?

08/30/2007 Go to this week's issue

Heroin shop exposed as a front for backroom shoe repair operation

Fox NFL pre-game hosts prepared to yell at viewers for next five months

Opinion: I think this gas station boycott day will finally do the trick

08/23/2007 Go to this week's issue

New Prius may increase smugness per gallon by 40 percent

Unexpected meetings prevent adequate fantasy draft research

Sports: Georgia prison football squad closely monitoring Vick case

Some guy in sales approves afternoon rain shower

Opinion: I am finally completely invulnerable to pepper spray

08/16/2007 Go to this week's issue

MapQuest makes pursuing women a breeze for avid stalker

Radar indicates meteorologist loves deadly thunderstorms

Sports: Bobby Jenks breaks MLB record for most consecutive obese innings

Local alderman candidate not a politician

Cartoon: Trash Day by Linda Boileau

08/09/2007 Go to this week's issue

Operations manager positive he receives better e-mail spam than employees

Two of five Americans do not use restroom before washing hands

Not even Tom will befriend absolute MySpace loser

Sports: Barry Bonds thanks Barry Bonds for all the support during chase

08/02/2007 Go to this week's issue

Self-help book to completely change young woman's life for 17 days

Network programmer doubts you have such a large monitor

Some jerk kid ruins favorite Seinfeld rerun by getting abducted

Sports: Don King implicated in human fighting operation

Opinion: If I don't conserve this office's binder clips, who will?

07/19/2007 Go to this week's issue

Starbucks barista on cusp of successful creative writing career

Veteran judge admits he just flips coin for most decisions

New Sensible Putty only copies money-saving coupons from newspapers

Sports: Father suspects son's invisible friend better at sports

Opinion: My Scion reflects my extremely hip persona

07/12/2007 Go to this week's issue

Right wing ants lobby for magnifying glass defense system

Gonzales insists responsibility for responsibility not his

Channel 2 News to air 5,000-day forecast

Sports: Frank Caliendo demands a series of John Madden roasts

Opinion: My brother Bruce is just a Gusher-thieving simpleton

07/05/2007 Go to this week's issue

Nike beats overseas projections, child labor

Drunk driving Shriners injure 12 in Fourth of July parade rampage

Area neighbors successfully supervise tire rotation

Sports: Aging Greg Oden contemplates retirement

Opinion: So this bouncer totally halts my plans with Paris

06/28/2007 Go to this week's issue

Serial killer's new drill press has him torturing with twice the efficiency

St. Louis readies for spectacular Fourth of July barge explosions

Post-It Notes prove inadequate adhesive in failed kidnapping

Sports: Little leaguer elevates elbow, resentment towards father

06/21/2007 Go to this week's issue

Fourth grade math genius calculates high probability of getting beat up

In landmark decision, judge awards $214 million estate to self

Small Talk Council decrees all weather 'crazy'

Sports: Cubs to continue taking season one fight at a time

06/14/2007 Go to this week's issue

Deceitful boyfriend extremely proud of latest airtight alibi

FORTUNE tops FORTUNE list of best employers

Radio Shack assures you that Dad will be furious without new cell phone

Sports: Cleveland Cavaliers lead NBA finals 3-0 in moral victories

06/07/2007 Go to this week's issue

IT manager lives to shout 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' in piano bars

Majority of office has never seen rain before

Family members make up entire poetry reading audience

Sports: Despite pleas, WNBA returns for a 10th season

Opinion: I think it is only logical that we re-evaluate my bedtime

05/31/2007 Go to this week's issue

Candlelight vigil committee just waiting around for major tragedy

Deranged cable technician scheduled to murder between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.

Shopper redirected to Loser GAP

Sports: Greg Oden wondering if Trail Blazers can pay him as much as Ohio State

05/24/2007 Go to this week's issue

Google to issue free version of U.S. dollar

Area SIMS family found dead inside home from carbon monoxide poisoning

Ugly woman not looking to date anyone right now

Sports: Roger Clemens propels Yankees to first place with two minor league starts

Opinion: My ridiculously strong handshake should alert you to how annoying I am

05/17/2007 Go to this week's issue

TV weatherman loses finger to overly aggressive jet stream

Tennessee man denounces global warming research after two cold days in May

Drug-seeking student accidentally sneaks into math lab

Guys behind you at basketball game must be some kind of experts or something

Opinion: Tornadoes and wildfires will maliciously kill us all

05/10/2007 Go to this week's issue

Rookie nature guide mistakenly identifies stalagmites as stalactites

Shopkeeper cites expenses as reason for business's demise

Restaurant patrons still working on that

Opinion: The Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo

05/03/2007 Go to this week's issue

Borders the bane of existence for full-time Borders employee

Bernie somewhat decomposed in 'Weekend at Bernie's 3'

Report: Eskimos only exist in pie form

Sports: Gatorade jug viciously attacked after inciting big inning

04/26/2007 Go to this week's issue

High school principal seizes weapons of math instruction

Bush calls for bin Laden to be placed on 'Madden' cover

Facebook user getting few pokes reciprocated

Sports: Hockey analysts claims NHL season not over

Opinion: I support our troops on a more expensive bumper than you

04/19/2007 Go to this week's issue

JFK security foils birthday celebration plot

Brother says Jack never had true feelings for Diane

Third floor accounting team wages war on copy machine

Sports: Fans’ casual indifference becomes composed awareness for NBA playoffs

04/12/2007 Go to this week's issue

Grandmother seasons Easter brunch with love, bacteria

Cold cards freezing earning potential for young poker shark

World Math Champion spotted using bank calculator

Sports: MLB to relocate city of Cleveland to Arizona

04/05/2007 Go to this week's issue

Local couple very pleased with impulse kidnap

03/29/2007 Go to this week's issue

Calm, enjoyable weather pummels rural community

STUDY: Americans hate jobs; love Slim Jims, texting

Child gives mother 14th straight ducky drawing

Sports: Some chick in accounting guaranteed 1st in NCAA office pool

Opinion: Dear Mr. Buxtombi, thank you for your email

03/22/2007 Go to this week's issue

Sports: Cubs pitchers using spring training to develop new injuries

Grandmother just two porcelain cats away from total fulfillment

Dippin' Dots: 'Future very close now'

Opinion: Fanny packs a roller coaster of bad taste

03/15/2007 Go to this week's issue

Rich, powerful executive scolded by Burger King cashier

Mother reiterates this neither time nor place; Count reaches 2.9

Partygoer sticks with incorrect charades guess

Sports: Basketball ref says officiating all about consistency, grudges

Opinion: So Schwimmer picks off my girl at this club

03/08/2007 Go to this week's issue

Bush only tries to attack Middle East in game of Risk

Concert crowd only answers ‘whoooooo’ to serious questions

Minesweeper addict totally loses it

Sports: NCAA tourney committee says no number 1 seeds this year

Opinion: You'll probably soon be murdered, too

03/01/2007 Go to this week's issue

Tragically disabled student voted 'Most Changed'

Lottery winner chooses $25 a year for 2 million years

New research shows people living in Montana

Sports: New Astros slugger just happy to make tons of money

Opinion: Did you notice my flawless parallel parking?

02/22/2007 Go to this week's issue

Mime unaware invisible box has been removed

Number 7 pencil produces 26,000 on SAT

Cool kids fear total loser knows about party

Sports: Shaq wisely uses 6 pivot feet before monster slam

Opinion: I'm sorry, but your lack of car knowledge troubles me

02/15/2007 Go to this week's issue

Sports: Jordan to judge dunks in-between blackjack hands

Homeless on strike but pretty much doing same thing

Rap fan believes all sirens are part of music

Opinion: This is the perfect weekend to check out my band

02/08/2007 Go to this week's issue

Commuter leans over platform 17th time

Rosie O'Donnell consumes 2 'View' co-hosts, admits eating problem

Sports: North Carolina defeats Duke for National Championship

Couple not sure Olive Garden buzzer is working

Opinion: So this half-wit tackles me while I'm carrying beverage

02/01/2007 Go to this week's issue

Al Gore begins sandbagging against rising oceans

Furniture store owner extremely excited to be going out of business

Whistleblower: Baskin-Robbins 2 flavors short of 31

Sports: Madden expects Brett Favre's play to decide Super Bowl

Opinion: More people should be laughing at my custom T-shirt

01/25/2007 Go to this week's issue

Man fights fire with fire, house burns faster

MacGyver disarms N. Korea nukes

Mad libs hours of feet for smelly teen

Sports: Stewart Scott still searching for 'booyah' successor

Opinion: The kittens in that box haven't been making noise for a while

01/18/2007

Company at career fair not actively hiring, will keep you on file

Domino's launches Taco Salad Italian Cheeseburger Stuffed Crust Xtreme Pizza™

Cow wishes for grass that doesn't taste like grass

Sports: Wide receiver pleads for pass interference before snap